Needing Relationship Advice: Should I just End it?

[DixieWrecked]

May be the wrong subforum but it definitely has to do with mental health. So I was thinking about the current relationship that I am in and seriously contemplating ending it. We have been to counseling, I've been to therapy on my own, read books, and adopted meditation. All this in an effort to better myself and make myself a better partner. It's beginning to dawn on me that no matter what I do, and how perfect I may be, it won't work if the other person is dysfunctional. So I have been jumping through hoops, trying to make things good and not getting much in return. Actually, if I ask for anything, it will most likely be refused or at best neglected. I'll admit that when this girl and I first met I did not treat her well. I did admit to this mistreatment but the thing was, when I was doing my bachelor thing she was right there chasing me. Anyway, over time she has managed to guilt trip me into a position where I have tried to make things right but it has morphed into a situation where I am starting to think this girl just outwitted me and in reality is pretty heartless. I hate to admit it but I want point she had me questioning my mental stability. Suddenly, I am looking around, like who the hell is this person? I thought she was the innocent meek damsel in distress and I am the reformed "bad guy". I guess just venting but I am really debating on what the right thing to do is. This has been a seven year relationship. Any thoughts? She's 38 and I am 39. I'm too old for this shit.

 

[Vince]

When I wasn't happy in a relationship, I just moved on. No big deal, right.

 

[DixieWrecked]

Vince. You are a wise man. I think my head is still wrapped around I owe this girl something. Some level of effort. I need to shake that.

 

[TLawyer]

May be the wrong subforum but it definitely has to do with mental health. So I was thinking about the current relationship that I am in and seriously contemplating ending it. We have been to counseling, I've been to therapy on my own, read books, and adopted meditation. All this in an effort to better myself and make myself a better partner. It's beginning to dawn on me that no matter what I do, and how perfect I may be, it won't work if the other person is dysfunctional. So I have been jumping through hoops, trying to make things good and not getting much in return. Actually, if I ask for anything, it will most likely be refused or at best neglected. I'll admit that when this girl and I first met I did not treat her well. I did admit to this mistreatment but the thing was, when I was doing my bachelor thing she was right there chasing me. Anyway, over time she has managed to guilt trip me into a position where I have tried to make things right but it has morphed into a situation where I am starting to think this girl just outwitted me and in reality is pretty heartless. I hate to admit it but I want point she had me questioning my mental stability. Suddenly, I am looking around, like who the hell is this person? I thought she was the innocent meek damsel in distress and I am the reformed "bad guy". I guess just venting but I am really debating on what the right thing to do is. This has been a seven year relationship. Any thoughts? She's 38 and I am 39. I'm too old for this shit.

Pretty sure that when you leave this relationship behind and get into one that isn't toxic and actually makes you happy, you'll wonder why you didn't do it 5 years ago. What you describe sounds absolutely miserable, particularly for someone who is only 40 and has a long way to go. Better to cut ties and move on sooner rather than go through another few years of misery, IMO.

 

[Nelson Vergel]

Sometimes the best thing to do is to take time apart for a while to clear your head.

Relationships are work but they should not be painful. Some are not worth trying to save.

Ultimatums sometimes are wake up calls for the other person who may be unconscious or waiting for you to end the whole thing. Many people do not want to be the "bad person" who called it quits.

I do not know if this video can help you at all, but it is worth the time.

 

[JA Battle]

Keep her chasing you. Keep talking to other women. Not necessarily sleeping with them. Just socialize freely.

I read this story about a woman and man that were madly in love. The wife begged her husband to find an excuse to not go into the selective service. He succeeded in not going to war like she wanted but Shortly after they divorced.

No matter what she is asking you to do, if you do it, she will lose animal attraction to you.

Hopefully the relationship isn’t just rooted in animal attraction but by the sounds of it the start seemed like it was.

other areas of attraction that only a mature mind is capable of feeling are required for long term peace love and happiness.

 

[tropicaldaze1950]

I know your story. Sounds like mine. I tried to leave my wife several times. And I came back because I didn't believe I could live without her. I felt sorry for her, too, because she had a traumatic childhood & adolescence. And, when I came back, I walked right back into the dysfunctional meat grinder. We've been married 25 years, lived together 3, so 28 years. I'm now 70, she's 75. She never did anything to help herself. She has lived in a state of constant denial.

I'm not someone who should be dispensing relationship advice, since I didn't have the balls to walk away even though I was miserable. If you do leave her, it will be hard...maybe, but, once you go, don't look back, ever. Leaving a relationship or a marriage that's not working is like stopping drinking or drugs. We're addicted to that person we believe can't live without us or whom we believe we can't live without. My psychiatrist told me that if I ever do leave my wife, don't give her a heads up; just go. Maybe that's the way; just get in your car or truck and go. You might have to go far away and start your life over. Definitely not easy. I have a sense of what you're going through or living with. Just keep telling yourself, it's not you. She's the one who's messed up and she's probably frightened that you'll walk away. Not your problem, no matter how she tugs at your emotions. Again, for some men it's easy. For you, for me and others, it's not. Keep it on an even keel, man.

 

[DixieWrecked]

@tropicaldaze1950 Man you hit the nail on the freaking head. About my mental state and hers. She takes zero ownership and I'm stuck trying to figure it out. She makes leaving super difficult. Threatening to hurt herself if I leave yet at the same time ignoring my needs, which if she fulfilled would likely have a very positive effect on the relationship. These aren't demanding requests either, basic shit. Somehow killing herself seems like a better alternative. I know she is full of shit and being dramatic. Its difficult being with someone so dramatic. Well I about 90% over it and I am feeling very empowered by that. Being alone for a bit feels like a very real and pleasant possibility.

 

[Danny L]

@tropicaldaze1950 Man you hit the nail on the freaking head. About my mental state and hers. She takes zero ownership and I'm stuck trying to figure it out. She makes leaving super difficult. Threatening to hurt herself if I leave yet at the same time ignoring my needs, which if she fulfilled would likely have a very positive effect on the relationship. These aren't demanding requests either, basic shit. Somehow killing herself seems like a better alternative. I know she is full of shit and being dramatic. Its difficult being with someone so dramatic. Well I about 90% over it and I am feeling very empowered by that. Being alone for a bit feels like a very real and pleasant possibility.

Dixie, these members have given you great advice. I’m so ancient now, I’ve had all sorts of relationships and perceived many. What are the “needs” that she won’t entertain with you? If she dreams more of shoes than of cock, then I’m happy to say it’s all over.
This talking things through with her is often a bunch of female crap, which ends up just verbalising what is really emotional & physical. You end up crawling and that in turn can make her despise you as a man. You can’t win in the relationship you describe.
Just walk away. I’m sure if talk-a-therapy was useful, you’d have been sorted by now. Time is passing.
When you’ve made the break, do everything you can to meet other girls. Enjoy their bodies, their minds, romance and new sexual discovery.
Best of luck.

 

[Kev101]

May be the wrong subforum but it definitely has to do with mental health. So I was thinking about the current relationship that I am in and seriously contemplating ending it. We have been to counseling, I've been to therapy on my own, read books, and adopted meditation. All this in an effort to better myself and make myself a better partner. It's beginning to dawn on me that no matter what I do, and how perfect I may be, it won't work if the other person is dysfunctional. So I have been jumping through hoops, trying to make things good and not getting much in return. Actually, if I ask for anything, it will most likely be refused or at best neglected. I'll admit that when this girl and I first met I did not treat her well. I did admit to this mistreatment but the thing was, when I was doing my bachelor thing she was right there chasing me. Anyway, over time she has managed to guilt trip me into a position where I have tried to make things right but it has morphed into a situation where I am starting to think this girl just outwitted me and in reality is pretty heartless. I hate to admit it but I want point she had me questioning my mental stability. Suddenly, I am looking around, like who the hell is this person? I thought she was the innocent meek damsel in distress and I am the reformed "bad guy". I guess just venting but I am really debating on what the right thing to do is. This has been a seven year relationship. Any thoughts? She's 38 and I am 39. I'm too old for this shit.

I'm the reformed bad guy in our marriage too. Our son was the glue that kept us together. Some how it just got better, we've been married for a decade. The first 1/2 was on the rocks, then very very slowly it got better.

We're somehow best friends now and I don't know what did it. We prayed alot and went to church and counciling. I was honest w/ my mom about divorce and she gave me advise all the time. We were very open about being unhappy.

We read marriage books together, we both loved each other but would get triggered so easily, yet we're madly in love. We both wanted it to be be ok, we hated that we hated each other. It's hard to explain. Best friends that somehow can't stand to be together and at the same time can't be apart. That was the past, heck maybe it was my roids and changes in my personality, it's very possible.

If she cares very deeply for you and you both love each other it may be worth the effort. I think she has to be on the same level as you and want change. If she's not willing to admit her flaws then she's not ready. You have to have a day one where you forgive and start over, let mistakes be the past. Like how God forgives our sin, no one is perfect and we're all F-ups.

Takes the right person to make that work, it's a specific state of mind and amount of dedication required by both parties. Has to be priority and can't involve anger from prior incidents.

 

[wondering]

I'm the reformed bad guy in our marriage too. Our son was the glue that kept us together. Some how it just got better, we've been married for a decade. The first 1/2 was on the rocks, then very very slowly it got better.

We're somehow best friends now and I don't know what did it. We prayed alot and went to church and counciling. I was honest w/ my mom about divorce and she gave me advise all the time. We were very open about being unhappy.

We read marriage books together, we both loved each other but would get triggered so easily, yet we're madly in love. We both wanted it to be be ok, we hated that we hated each other. It's hard to explain. Best friends that somehow can't stand to be together and at the same time can't be apart. That was the past, heck maybe it was my roids and changes in my personality, it's very possible.

If she cares very deeply for you and you both love each other it may be worth the effort. I think she has to be on the same level as you and want change. If she's not willing to admit her flaws then she's not ready. You have to have a day one where you forgive and start over, let mistakes be the past. Like how God forgives our sin, no one is perfect and we're all F-ups.

Takes the right person to make that work, it's a specific state of mind and amount of dedication required by both parties. Has to be priority and can't involve anger from prior incidents.

Being married with a kid is different than not married and no kid. After 7 years, if it isn't making him a better person and enriching his life..may be time to move on.

 

[wondering]

Keep her chasing you. Keep talking to other women. Not necessarily sleeping with them. Just socialize freely.

I read this story about a woman and man that were madly in love. The wife begged her husband to find an excuse to not go into the selective service. He succeeded in not going to war like she wanted but Shortly after they divorced.

No matter what she is asking you to do, if you do it, she will lose animal attraction to you.

Hopefully the relationship isn’t just rooted in animal attraction but by the sounds of it the start seemed like it was.

other areas of attraction that only a mature mind is capable of feeling are required for long term peace love and happiness.

There is much to be learned on dynamics within a relationship. However, at some point in your life (he is 39), the games become silly and you have to ask... why do I need to play games? Does it just make me anxious and stressed? Does life/relationships REALLY need to be that way? REALLY?

 

[Kev101]

Yea absolutely man. It's nearly impossible to gauge how this guy feels unless you go through it, too easy for me to just give blind encouragement while I'm over here all happy. I hate it for him, my thought is God is the last chance.

If she's on board to be open minded, be critical of herself (be fair), invite a therapist in your life as well as a church couples group. If you haven't tried that, if she's willing I'd highly recommend. You really need outside help, things don't drastically change if you don't take drastic measures. Just like bodybuilding, you'll get what you put in. Why don't you try each writing a letter to each other explaining where your at mentally and go from there, be 100% honest and vulnerable. Maybe that will help her (no doubt it's not you causing the main issues).

If she's not, doesn't look good

 

[Test-Joe]

Being married with a kid is different than not married and no kid. After 7 years, if it isn't making him a better person and enriching his life..may be time to move on.

Agree, married and with children makes this much more complicated decision although no less painful either way. Sounds like you have done a lot of the right things to correct past transgressions. If it is still not working, may be time to move on. Perhaps physical separation for period of time would bring additional perspective for both of you. Wish you the best of luck. Everyone deserves joy and happiness.

 

[Kev101]

That's a good point

 

[tropicaldaze1950]

Dixie, these members have given you great advice. I’m so ancient now, I’ve had all sorts of relationships and perceived many. What are the “needs” that she won’t entertain with you? If she dreams more of shoes than of cock, then I’m happy to say it’s all over.
This talking things through with her is often a bunch of female crap, which ends up just verbalising what is really emotional & physical. You end up crawling and that in turn can make her despise you as a man. You can’t win in the relationship you describe.
Just walk away. I’m sure if talk-a-therapy was useful, you’d have been sorted by now. Time is passing.
When you’ve made the break, do everything you can to meet other girls. Enjoy their bodies, their minds, romance and new sexual discovery.
Best of luck.

A 'circular argument', Danny. She starts accusing or criticizing, the man responds, then, you're going around and around for hours or days, stuck in a no-win situation that leaves you exhausted, depleted and depressed. A male therapist told me that when my wife starts that crap, don't engage. Go to another room and shut the door, go for a walk or a drive. I believe that shit storm I've chosen to remain in was a factor in my developing ED. Never stepped out on her, so I don't know if Mr. Johnson would work with someone else. Always tempted.

 

[DixieWrecked]

Well, I finally pulled the trigger. I had had enough of the bullshit and games and I know my life is better without her so I told her to hit the bricks. I had already drastically limited the time I spent with her the last few weeks. Its rough, the epiphany that this person you cared so much about is not who you thought they were. You want them to do the right thing and be a better person but it just isn't going to happen. Swallowing that pill is difficult. Anyway, I just wanted to post because I feel like if I put it in writing, then its official. I know its going to be rough going forward in the near future but in some way I am looking forward to the pain. Maybe I am mental. I also fear that I won't find anyone better. Pickings are super slim these days. Instagram, lip injections, selfies, women are more selfish and narcisstic that ever. This girl sliped into this category. Not really looking forward to meeting more of the clones.

 

[Seth]

Well, I finally pulled the trigger. I had had enough of the bullshit and games and I know my life is better without her so I told her to hit the bricks. I had already drastically limited the time I spent with her the last few weeks. Its rough, the epiphany that this person you cared so much about is not who you thought they were. You want them to do the right thing and be a better person but it just isn't going to happen. Swallowing that pill is difficult. Anyway, I just wanted to post because I feel like if I put it in writing, then its official. I know its going to be rough going forward in the near future but in some way I am looking forward to the pain. Maybe I am mental. I also fear that I won't find anyone better. Pickings are super slim these days. Instagram, lip injections, selfies, women are more selfish and narcisstic that ever. This girl sliped into this category. Not really looking forward to meeting more of the clones.

Sounds like you made the right decision. It wasn't working and it wasn't making you happy. Wishing and hoping won't change reality. I would recommend a mini vacation, even for a few days, just to allow yourself some time to reflect and make a plan for the future, which by the way, should focus on YOUR happiness. Good luck man.

 

[tropicaldaze1950]

Well, I finally pulled the trigger. I had had enough of the bullshit and games and I know my life is better without her so I told her to hit the bricks. I had already drastically limited the time I spent with her the last few weeks. Its rough, the epiphany that this person you cared so much about is not who you thought they were. You want them to do the right thing and be a better person but it just isn't going to happen. Swallowing that pill is difficult. Anyway, I just wanted to post because I feel like if I put it in writing, then its official. I know its going to be rough going forward in the near future but in some way I am looking forward to the pain. Maybe I am mental. I also fear that I won't find anyone better. Pickings are super slim these days. Instagram, lip injections, selfies, women are more selfish and narcisstic that ever. This girl sliped into this category. Not really looking forward to meeting more of the clones.

It's good that you're anticipating the pain of breaking up. At least you're emotionally preparing for the punch in the chest/punch in the gut feeling. It might or might not come. As for women, I think there are some reasonably sane ones. Just take it slow and probably better not to look for anyone until the turbulence has dissipated and the water is calm. You'll be fine. And likely, when you're not looking, you'll meet a woman who's looking for a good guy. Take care of yourself.

 

[Test-Joe]

Best wishes! A day at a time, step by step and ultimately when you look back, you’ll see you made the right decision.