Is Marriage for Me? Seeking input from guys.

[lukas_az]

married 10+ years. things are good.
first advice: don't take advice from divorced guys, they obviously failed.
the key is find the proper wife. are you religious? look into family values. honesty, commitment etc.
good luck

 

[DixieWrecked]

married 10+ years. things are good.
first advice: don't take advice from divorced guys, they obviously failed.
the key is find the proper wife. are you religious? look into family values. honesty, commitment etc.
good luck

Bad advice. Learning from others mistakes before your own is a key to success. Never been married but I find both sides very valuable.

 

[Cataceous]

married 10+ years. things are good.
first advice: don't take advice from divorced guys, they obviously failed.
...

Only 10 years? Don't get cocky. You're glibly passing judgement on guys who in some cases have been married a lot longer than that.

 

[Mountain Man]

Only 10 years? Don't get cocky. You're glibly passing judgement on guys who in some cases have been married a lot longer than that.

Great point. I am a psychotherapist and I see so many couples that lose the focus in their marriage and stay together just for the kids. What tends to happen is that the lack of sexual connection either morphs into something they are both ok with, or the couple suffer when it’s back to just the two of them and all the years of built up resentment leads to one or both not caring enough to stay together. Some do stay, remaining miserable the rest of their life. The couple changes from lovers, to parents, to roommates. Some couples accept it and are ok with it, others end up miserable and blame the other. Each in the couple is responsible for themselves and these issues need to be discussed at all levels and stages of the marriage. Plenty of marriages end late and some are unfulfilling for the duration. The 10 year mark is even less impressive to the couple if they have children because it isn’t all about the couple at that stage, it is about the family. Family moves on, different ballgame for sure.

 

[tropicaldaze1950]

Great point. I am a psychotherapist and I see so many couples that lose the focus in their marriage and stay together just for the kids. What tends to happen is that the lack of sexual connection either morphs into something they are both ok with, or the couple suffer when it’s back to just the two of them and all the years of built up resentment leads to one or both not caring enough to stay together. Some do stay, remaining miserable the rest of their life. The couple changes from lovers, to parents, to roommates. Some couples accept it and are ok with it, others end up miserable and blame the other. Each in the couple is responsible for themselves and these issues need to be discussed at all levels and stages of the marriage. Plenty of marriages end late and some are unfulfilling for the duration. The 10 year mark is even less impressive to the couple if they have children because it isn’t all about the couple at that stage, it is about the family. Family moves on, different ballgame for sure.

My parents had been married for 32 years when my mother died in 1978. After she died, my father began talking about marriage and relationships. In one of those conversations he said that if only one person keeps giving and the other doesn't, it's not good. He never said that he was dissatisfied in the marriage but did infer that he and my mother saw the world differently. He was a go getter who wanted more from life and for his family. My mother just wanted him to work for 20 or 25 years and get a pension. He did it his way and he did provide a better life for us. Sinatra's 'My Way' would be the theme of my father's life.

That I'm not like my father, wrecked by bipolar illness, leaves me sad and depressed. Before my relapse, I worked hard and could take care of myself. For 16 years, can't work, poor sleep, no erections. Been married going on 26 years. My wife has the money(large federal pension and investments) and I'm stuck, getting my small Social Security check. I apologize for the digression. Simply, marriage isn't for everyone and for some, being single and living life on your own terms can be healthier and more satisfying.

 

[lukas_az]

there is a million ways to fail. only a few to succeed. you don't learn driving by going the wrong way. some theory what not do is ok, but eventually you need to do things *the right way*. I have no idea what the future holds, but I do remember my vows 'till death...'. and yes, the right partner is key. being established as a man matters. having a skill and so on. you need commitment on both sides. I know people who got divorced at 25 years, nobody would have guessed....

 

[Cataceous]

... and yes, the right partner is key. ... I know people who got divorced at 25 years, nobody would have guessed....

People are not static entities, and may evolve significantly over the course of a 25-year relationship. Suppose one partner has deepening religious convictions over the years while the other has none. Is a split stemming from this an "obvious failure" of either or both? If so it says that they should have somehow predicted the future, or else they must accept intractable conditions indefinitely.

 

[DixieWrecked]

there is a million ways to fail. only a few to succeed. you don't learn driving by going the wrong way. some theory what not do is ok, but eventually you need to do things *the right way*. I have no idea what the future holds, but I do remember my vows 'till death...'. and yes, the right partner is key. being established as a man matters. having a skill and so on. you need commitment on both sides. I know people who got divorced at 25 years, nobody would have guessed....

I hope everything continues to go well for you and I think your perspective is very important but in reality your previous attempt to discredit the perspective of others whom may have been through alot more than you, could result in an oblivious state that ends in being blindsided. I'm not suggesting to live in fear. Alluding to Cataceous' input that people are not static, that is not a possibility, but a guarantee. I trust you have great relationship skills to lead as a man but your previous two posts sound somewhat naive (or perhaps I'm jaded haha). I hope you don't feel offended as the topic of gender relations, marriage, feminism, has fascinated me recently and that's the cause for my interest in your posts.

I am curious if you could share some of the things that you do "the right way".

 

[lukas_az]

I hope everything continues to go well for you and I think your perspective is very important but in reality your previous attempt to discredit the perspective of others whom may have been through alot more than you, could result in an oblivious state that ends in being blindsided. I'm not suggesting to live in fear. Alluding to Cataceous' input that people are not static, that is not a possibility, but a guarantee. I trust you have great relationship skills to lead as a man but your previous two posts sound somewhat naive (or perhaps I'm jaded haha). I hope you don't feel offended as the topic of gender relations, marriage, feminism, has fascinated me recently and that's the cause for my interest in your posts.

I am curious if you could share some of the things that you do "the right way".

impossible to offend me I recall my old pastor saying 'don't ask a fat guy how to loose weight', surround yourself with successful people if you want to be successful. nobody can predict or control the future. I am not discrediting anybody because they failed. sometimes it is outside of somebody's control, like values going different directions. it is hard to give general advice. I think a traditionally raised woman with good family values is a good start. feminism is CANCER

 

[tropicaldaze1950]

impossible to offend me I recall my old pastor saying 'don't ask a fat guy how to loose weight', surround yourself with successful people if you want to be successful. nobody can predict or control the future. I am not discrediting anybody because they failed. sometimes it is outside of somebody's control, like values going different directions. it is hard to give general advice. I think a traditionally raised woman with good family values is a good start. feminism is CANCER.

At one period in my life, I was tight with a group of people where some were drug addicts and some of the women were prostitutes. I found them to be truly good people. Decent, kind; they loved their children and tried to get along as best as they could in the world. Not traditional family values nor a traditional family environment. "Judge not, lest ye be judged."

 

[DragonBits]

Hey guys thanks for looking at my post. I have a fiance and shes amazing and wonderful and I love her to death the problem is I am dreading marriage life and feel like my life is over. I don't sleep with her that well. She falls asleep very easily unlike myself and I dread once having kids sleepless nights. I also feel like whats the point why keep exercising why eat healthy I'm found my girl, I have nothing else to live for in a sense. I've had amazing crazy sex with gorgeous women, but we all know those aren't the girls you settle down with. I know I need to stay on point but feel helpless. How did you guys keep in shape after marriage? Despite being 33 I look at younger girls and am repulsed by them. They might have hot bodies but grossly that's all I'd want them for. Almost none are even contemplating the meaning of life or how to serve your community or growing a successful business etc.

Before getting married the second time, I thought long and hard about this issue. More on that later. "It's complicated."

But let me address the easy issue first.

You should never exercise / diet to please / attract other people. You need to do these things for yourself if you want them to be sustainable. My getting married both times did not change my exercise habits.

And fact is, most women gain weight AFTER marriage while men don't. Men tend to gain weight AFTER a divorce. It may not be obvious why, but that is what happens.

 

[JA Battle]

there is a million ways to fail. only a few to succeed. you don't learn driving by going the wrong way. some theory what not do is ok, but eventually you need to do things *the right way*. I have no idea what the future holds, but I do remember my vows 'till death...'. and yes, the right partner is key. being established as a man matters. having a skill and so on. you need commitment on both sides. I know people who got divorced at 25 years, nobody would have guessed....

im divorced and I agree whole heartedly. You have a fair amount of experience in 10 years of what needs to be done.

Being a divorced man, I have a few things that I can teach:

1. Be the right man. Be hormonally well so that your behavior and choices are consistent and not lacking. Behavior across the board needs to be solid and producing results for yourself and those you are responsible for.

2. Find the right woman. If you have number 1 above figured out you will have a high level of awareness and also self pride. You will not keep female company around you for long that doesn’t completely fulfill you or female company that does not help you get your life where you want it to be.

A few years ago, I purchased a dog from a shelter for my wife and kids. No matter what we did we could not train the dog. There was something wrong with it. It was not well. $4000 trainer that trains most of southern Maine’s police force dogs kept my dog for 2 months. Got him back, the little bastard was still screwing up.

point is, I chose the wrong dog. Why? because I was in a hurry. Because of my own issues with immediate gratification. Because of my hormonal weakness.

hrt has changed my outlook. My ability to discern. If you are older and or one that needs a wife to get sex, there is a smaller margin of error. So the pressure is on if you need sex because you may have to invite someone in that you don’t want and she sets a hook

At the end of the day, being happy to be alone and pursuing an enjoyable life on your own is the great equalizer. You cannot be manipulated. Problem is, most are too weak to do this. But if you can, and you are reasonably social, you will have options and not have to ever settle down until you are very experienced and ready to discern good life partner from not good life partner.

I have 5 kids, it’s crazy. I see my shortcomings, and with this have chosen not to remarry at least for some time. I’m just focusing on being a dad and making the money that my parents and my children need. Facilitating opportunities for those I love. And working on my hrt protocol to unlock my fullest potential. I don’t need a woman at all. Sometimes at a gathering I will flirt and whatever happens happens. But I don’t need affection or affirmation.