" Love is not an obligation—it’s a gift.”

Vince · Jul 28, 2022

In my work as a therapist for BIPOC and immigrant populations, many clients have shared that they feel like they've never received unconditional love from their parents. As children, they were used to having to work for love, approval, and acceptance, and love was only shown if they behaved well, got good grades, and did what they were told. Moreover, despite not receiving unconditional love, these children often did what they were told out of duty, obligation, and guilt.

In the process of acculturation, an intergenerational gap between immigrant Korean parents and their children develops. Immigrant Korean parents experience uncertainty and unfamiliarity, so they often fail to provide consistent parenting for their children. Due to the influences of Confucianism, Korean parents expect their children to respect them and show unconditional obedience.

Korean parents’ high expectations regarding their children’s academic work, as well as the parents’ willingness to sacrifice themselves for their children, may cause Korean American children to feel guilty, worthless, and helpless when failing to satisfy their parents’ expectations.

It's Healthy to Have Conditions

As adults, these adult children often suffer in silence in toxic relationships, searching for a kind of love that doesn't exist in adulthood, because, it turns out, it's actually healthy to have conditions. They believe that self-sacrifice and putting aside their needs for someone else's is what constitutes love, enabling codependent relationship dynamics.

However, Esther Perel, a psychotherapist and bestselling author of The State of Affairs and Mating in Captivity, recently shared: “Whether it’s because we feel we don’t deserve better, because we’re afraid to be alone, or because we feel we don’t have a choice, all of these painful and complicated feelings sometimes hide under the banner of ‘unconditional love.’” However, she added, “Love is not an obligation—it’s a gift.”